Some Things to Consider
Some of the most common feelings families and friends of persons with same-sex attractions are: broken-heartedness, grief, guilt, regrets, shame, anger, confusion, ignorance, frustration, and loneliness. It is important that family and friends first recognize what is going on in their hearts and get much needed emotional and spiritual support.
Consider what Fr. Richard Perozich, director of the Encourage Ministry in San Diego, California has to say:
"A committee of the American bishops just published a pastoral letter [Always Our Children] addressed primarily to parents and to clergy calling for them to love unconditionally their adult children who have homosexual attraction. This teaching is nothing new. We are always called to love others, that is to be: kind, patient, gentle, generous, forgiving, trusting, hopeful, compassionate in our relations with one another, particularly our offspring.
Homosexuality is intrinsically disordered, that is, it is not created by God, but rather a tendency to a moral evil. To have homosexual attraction is not a sin. To engage in homosexual activity such as talk of fantasies about sex with others, or to touch and stimulate the body parts of another person, or to receive such stimulation is sinful. St. Paul is clear in saying that this activity does not only fail to lead someone to God, but that it has no place in the kingdom of God.
"So what does a parent do when a child says, ‘I am gay’? First, feel what you are feeling. Share these feelings with a pastor who agrees completely with the teaching of the Catholic Church, or with a Catholic psychologist. You have a right to feel whatever you feel. You must take care of yourself first if you are to help your children with homosexual attraction.
Second, keep open the relationship on your part with your child. Allow your child to speak to you to share his or her feelings and experiences. If your child closes off the relationship through manipulation, keep open the offer to talk, visit, and love your children.
Third, be compassionate. To be truly compassionate, however, is to ‘suffer with’ a person. To be compassionate with a person with homosexual attraction, particularly our children, we need to realize that this tendency to sin is serious. It can lead our children away from God and from the church, because often those who are having homosexual relations become angry when they are told by us that this activity is wrong.
Fourth, realize that you cannot change any other person’s behavior. Your child may always have this attraction, never marry, or live the life you might have expected. At the same time, however, your child has NO right to have sex with a person of the same sex, just as your unmarried heterosexual children have no right to have sex either.
Fifth, as a parent and as a Christian, you have a right and obligation to inform your child that this behavior is immoral in the plan of God. You have a right and obligation to set limits of the behavior of the people around you. Even if your child claims that he or she is having sex, you should still love them and allow them into your presence. If your children bring friends to visit, please accept the friends as well within the limits of proper Christian behavior. Persons with homosexual attraction need good chaste friendships just like everyone else. You should not accept inappropriate displays of affection between unmarried people such as kissing, holding hands and long embraces, touching, sleeping overnight at your home in the same bed.
Sixth, do not be blackmailed or manipulated by children who say that ‘you do not love me unless you accept my behavior’ or ‘if you do not take me as I am, I will stay away from you’. We avoid compassion because we don’t want to suffer ourselves. Ways of avoiding compassion are by agreeing with immoral behavior, such as ‘the church is wrong, my child is right’. That simply is not true; that simply is not compassion. Truly loving your children is to accept them as they are at the moment in their feelings and understanding; to know the difference between right and wrong; not to permit sinful behavior in your presence; to offer them proper counseling of faithful clergy and practicing Catholic psychologists who will help them to understand themselves, and not let this homosexual attraction dominate their lives or push your children, who are our heavenly Father’s children, into the sin of homosexual activity.
Some priests’ advice is not faithful to the church. If any priest or deacon says that homosexual relations are not sinful or that they are acceptable, this priest is not teaching the truth. You must look for a faithful clergyman!"
Rev. Richard Perozich
Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Catholic Church
4177 Marborough Ave.
San Diego, CA 92105
(619)280-0517
e-mail: perozich@pacbell.net